What Kind Of Scots?

So what kind of Scots do you use?
Do you have it with haggis?

Madam, ma Scots comes fae the place
whaur ma feet huv been planted aw ma life:
it's lik a burn birblin doon a muntain,
joukin amang stanes an boulders.
It wis yaised bi ma faither an cam doon
tae us wi the jeely pieces we ate ootside.

But we don't publish street language!

It's in the games an sangs o ma bairnheid:
the rhymes fur cawin skippin ropes; whae's het?;
an wallopin baws agin school waws.
Or is that no poetic enough fur ye?

So is it a BBC Hogmanay type of thing?

It's even bigger than the BBC!
It's as dour as a pibroch;
nebbie as a neebor;
carnaptious as a cuddy.
It can mak ye greet or smirk
withoot needin tae scrieve addresses tae ony haggis,
black puddin, clapshot, nor cockaleekie.

So it's really just bad English?

Eh, whit?
Scots kens nae lown. It bides in the gurlie winter skies;
souchs in the breeze; an rairs in a stour.
It's as nippy as vinegar;
raggit as a corbie an jaggy as a thistle,
but saft as muntain air in spring.

Can't you buy it on a souvenir tea towel?
Is it celebrity endorsed?

Naw, it disnae come gift-wrapped.
Tho bi royal assent the Scots o coort makars
gied us fables wi craws an puddocks;
cockieleeries an tods; lions an mice.
It gied us flytin makars; banshees and bogles;
romance an rebellion aw thegither.
Wad that no be braw fur yer readers' lugs?

But wad ye no lik tae try an let them see,
if it's as guid enough fur ye as it is fur me?

Frances Robson